Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
