Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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