i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
