john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
