I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
