he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning