Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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