does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
