I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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