she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
