I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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