Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
