These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dignity is for republicans.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
