This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
