his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
