he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
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I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
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I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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