Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
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I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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