i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
