It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
