My sheets look like a crime scene.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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