i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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