This is not my ceiling
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
