Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
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You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
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My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1