Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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