it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
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my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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