i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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