apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Randomize
