This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
