someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
