just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.