Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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