For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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