It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
