sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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