also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
