Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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