dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
