no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
