how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Ambien. No doubt about it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
