one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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