My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
