Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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