I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
