you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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