dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
