i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
