She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
