that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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