I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I need a beard to bite.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
