It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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