Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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