While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
