Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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