How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
