Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize