please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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