Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
