Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
