I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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