She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
