This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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