kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
