Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
