They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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