You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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