my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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